My Sexual Assault…and the Law

Edit # 2, 8/23/18: it’s been 1 year and 8 months since this happened. Nothing has happened with my case, and to my knowledge, my rape kit has still never been processed. The police and my detective stopped updating me because he would never answer their questions. Then, yesterday, on 8/22/18, I get a lovely email from my rapist asking me to remove my blog because everything I’ve said “is most certainly false.”

Hilaruous that you have been MIA for so long. You don’t get to tell me what’s the truth. And you can shove my blog up your ass for all I care (I certainly hope you’ve stopped by this page to read this, too).

I may be “dragging your name through the mud,” but you dragged my life through the mud with the position you put me in. And I will not remain silent.

Edit: I originally did not state who assaulted me, but after finding out that I can name him, publicly, here goes: I’m talking about you EJ (actual name that I know him by is Ejiro Erhuotor).

I want to preface my story with this: I am in no way an expert on the law. I will be touching on the process of filing a sexual assault charge against someone, so if anyone out there who does have more expertise notices anything weird or policies not being followed, I promise you I am not lying; I’m simply sharing my experience with you.

I also want to explain why I am sharing this. When this happened to me, I felt a great deal of shame and swore I wouldn’t talk about it unless it was with those that I feel are closest to me. As time has gone by and I’ve participated in therapy, I’ve come to the realization that being open about this experience has been a vital and positive aspect of my recovery (but I understand that not everyone copes the same way). I believe that victims who don’t want to talk about their assault can read this and know that they aren’t alone. The point of my message is not simply to empower sexual assault victims to speak up; it’s to let them know that they don’t have to walk down this path alone. We also reserve the right to recover however we choose as recovery is not linear. I hope to shed some light on what it was like to take the path that I chose and you all can decide for yourselves what you think.

My experience happened on January 3, 2017, just a few months ago. I had just gotten back into town from South Padre for a New Year’s celebration on the beach and someone who I considered a friend texted me asking if I wanted to get drinks. I cleaned up and met him out at a bar that I had never been to. Keep in mind; this is someone I’ve gotten drinks with on several occasions so the encounter did not seem unusual to me. I remember having 2 drinks and a shot, and that’s about it. My original plan was to stay out until around 11 p.m. so I could get home and sleep for work the next day, but my plans quickly changed.

My next memory is waking up in his bed at 5:30 in the morning, naked, with no idea where my clothes are. I looked over and he was also naked, and I think deep down I already knew what had happened. I woke him up and asked him why I had no clothes on and he stated that I had gotten so drunk that I threw up on myself and he had to clean me up. I asked him why he didn’t put other clothes on me and wanted to know why he didn’t have any clothes on, either. After not getting a response, I finally asked if we had sex and he said “Yeah, of course we did, what do you think?” I immediately became hysterical and broke down crying, still having no idea where my clothes were and feeling too embarrassed to get up and walk around to find them. I then said “Why? Why did we? I can’t remember anything, why did you think this was okay?” and this began the argument where things went south, fast. He stated to me “You were really drunk so I drove us in your car back here. You threw up on all of my stuff so I had to clean all my shit and make you take a shower and you could barely stand up. I was nice enough to drive you home after drinking too much and this is how I get talked too? You’re being a real bitch.” He says all of this as I’m still in his bed, bawling, and do you want to know what my first thought was?

“Am I overreacting?”

I still feel sad that this was my first thought. I paused and reminded myself why this wasn’t okay. I eventually got up to get my clothes but soon realized I was still too impaired to walk straight and after putting my clothes on, I had to lay there for over an hour before I could walk out the door and drive my car. Did I have too much to drink, or was I drugged? I’m honestly not sure, and at this point I don’t think it matters.

Once I left, I called into work and drove home only to lay in my bed feeling exhausted and confused. I have some amazing friends who I contacted that came over and walked me through what my options would be and also to provide moral support. I decided to go to the emergency room and when I got there, I informed them that I needed a rape kit. I was taken to an examination room to wait for the SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) nurse.  I hated the SANE nurse that I was assigned to. She was very high strung and talked the entire time, and I never got a chance to express how I felt about anything. When I began to finally talk, she asked for a name and I told her I didn’t think I was comfortable giving a name. At the time, I was terrified of any retaliation and what he might do should he find out that I was there talking about him. I simply wanted to get a rape kit done to see if there would even be any evidence worthy of pressing charges for and also to get a blood test to see if I was drugged. She proceeded to tell me that if I didn’t give a name, there could be no police report filed and with no report, there is no case ID for the Dallas PD and without a case ID, rape kits cannot be completed and processed. Basically: no name, no kit.

So, I gave his name in hopes of getting some answers. Police officers eventually showed up to take my statement and thankfully they were very kind and open to hearing what I had to say. The total time I was there was about 7 hours. One good thing I will say about that experience is that there was a rape victim’s advocate there who explained my options for victims compensation and having medical expenses and therapy paid for (both of which I have used, but more on that later).

When I left the ER I was given a paper with the police department’s case ID number and was told a detective would be assigned to my case. About a week later I received a call from a detective and went into the police station to give my complete statement. I was told he would then be questioned and I would be contacted for updates. To this day I have still never been on the receiving end of any phone call for updates, but have received plenty of bills from the hospital for my ER visit, even though I have applied for victim’s compensation and sent a letter to the ER to place my account on hold until they process the claim. Worst case scenario is that I end up just paying the bill, but what if I didn’t have a savings account and insurance? There are thousands of victims out there who probably don’t have either one and I can’t imagine what the ER bill would be then. It’s a slap in the face to keep having a reminder in the mail telling you “sorry, this probably won’t be covered, but here’s your due date to pay this.”

Back to my part about never receiving a phone call. I called my detective once in February to see if any medical results came back or if he had been questioned yet, and it was a “No” to either one. I was told it can take 6 months to a year for forensics to process rape kits, so I might as well not hold my breath. It is now mid-April and in the midst of dealing with the ER bill, I decided I’d call my detective again today as I still haven’t heard anything. She said “I literally have no idea who you are. Can you give me a claim number?” And when I explained who I was and why I was calling, she said “Oh yes I remember, but I’ve had about 100 cases since I met with you.” ….And? I’m sorry you are overworked but this still matters to me. I explained to her that I feel like I’m being forgotten about and am concerned that he still hasn’t been questioned and may not even be aware that there’s an active case against him. She explained that she tried to contact him, he didn’t respond, so a warrant for his arrest will automatically be issued but the timing of that is unknown as she doesn’t handle that. I thanked her for the explanation but I didn’t appreciate the tone that I was being annoying or bothering her and her 100 other cases. All I wanted was to know what’s going on, even if there’s nothing definitive to tell.

My point in all of this is that the burden is completely placed on the victim. This guy in my story probably doesn’t have a care in the world while I sit here suffering, still having flashbacks to the amount of vulnerability I felt in that moment when I woke up in his apartment. If you do decide to report, you have to do all the work on your own to find out what’s going on and if there will be any consequence (which, if you look at statistics, probably not so what’s the point?). It’s a complete loss of control of your life and your body, and that combination is painful. It’s discouraging to think that in someone’s eyes, you are only an object and not a human being. I’m thankful that I have a strong support system, but not everyone is as lucky as I am. How do we help someone who feels completely alone? What are they supposed to do? There are resources out there, but it is my hope that we can do better. If you are reading this and haven’t told your story, just know that I am with you.

I still have no results from my rape kit or blood tests to know if I was drugged, and I have absolutely no idea when he will be arrested (if at all). Since it is clear to me that I’ll have to get updates myself, I will keep calling and probably more often at this point. I will provide updates to anyone that may be interested to know how this ends.